my story, finale

my beautiful mentor

During the summer of 2009, God opened my eyes for the second time. I desired to be sold out for Him like I was initially, but I was starting to allow doubts and guilt to creep in. Satan was on the prowl and I was starting to allow him to affect me. I can remember thinking that I wasted so much of my life and influence for temporary fixes. I allowed my heart to harden because of petty hook-ups. I thought of myself as filthy and unworthy of the salvation that He wanted to pour onto me. I was discrediting His love and grace tremendously.

Wake up, sleeper, rise from the dead, and Christ will shine on you. Ephesians 5:14

He got a hold of my heart at the Student Life Camp of my 11^th grade summer. The pastor [who I can’t remember his name] spoke about Galatians 5. He preached about the freedom that Christ brings. He told me that I am no longer a slave to sin. Christ’s death on the cross set me free from everything. Free from present temptations, past sins, and sins that I will commit in the future.

God no longer sees me, rather He sees His Son. When I became a Christian, there was a transaction that happened. Christ took my heart and my life and placed the Holy Spirit within me. He guides me, leads me, and is the face of my soul. Because of that, God sees His Son when he looks at me. God sees my heart and if God sees my heart then He sees Christ within me.

The world and its desires pass away, but whoever does the will of God lives forever. 1 John 2:17

This was a complete mind grenade for me. I tried to erase my past. I tried to find a way to forget everything that happened. When in reality, only Christ has the power to erase my past and redeem me. I was hoarding on something that was already complete. The moment I turned back to Him, my past was gone! No longer did I have to worry about it.

I picture a treadmill. I was sprinting and getting nowhere. I was only wearing my Spirit down and allowing Satan to win the battle. The pastor spoke distinct words that have stuck with me for 3 years now. He said that as a Christian His blood COVERS me. I am beautiful to God because He sees the blood of His son on me. I am beautiful through and because of Christ.

I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world. John 16:33

Ukraine, Summer of 2010

At that moment, the pain and the guilt of my past left. I felt it no more. It was as if God said, “Finally my daughter, I’ve been waiting for you.” He poured so much love and grace into my heart at that moment. Since that night at camp, my walk has not been the same. I still fall, but when I do I don’t hoard on the sin I’ve just committed, rather I run to Him. He shows me how without Him I can do nothing. I fall and rough myself up pretty badly, but now He is there to pick me up and shed His grace on me.

That is redemption. It is not just a single moment in a Christian walk. It is a daily cry to the Creator of the world. It’s daily falling on my face realizing that I am a wretched person in need of His daily love and mercy. [Here’s a blog post that deals with similar topics discussed tonight. Find it here if you’re interested]

If the world hates you, remember that it hated me first.  The world would love you as one of its own if you belonged to it, but you are no longer part of the world. I chose you to come out of the world, so it hates you. John 15:18-19

Much more has happened in my walk after junior year, but I won’t lead you on too much longer. I’ve talked a lot about my body issues on here. You can read about my journey with that here and here . Since the year I gave my heart to Christ, He has enabled me to go on mission trips to Ukraine twice and Prague for a whole summer. He has placed me in a group of friends that has a heart for the campus and the world that reflects His. He has shown me the importance of community and mentorships. He has brought a fella in my life that treats me with respect and love and pushes me to further my love for Christ.

on a tram in Prague

I appreciate your thoughts and kind words in reply to My Story. I do not want you to read my testimony and look down upon yours if you are a Christian. Everybody’s story is different, that’s the beauty of the Gospel. It reaches everyone from all different places. The one commonality between everyone’s story is the redemption Christ brings. Do not let Satan steal you from that. You are a new creation in Christ. Grasp that and embrace the freedom you have in Christ. Quit condemning yourself and allow God to work in your life like never before.

If you have any questions about what I have said or if you want to know more details about my story please email me! I am not ashamed to tell you what God has done for me.

my story, pt 5

Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up.  Therefore, as we have opportunity, let us do good to all people, especially to those who belong to the family of believers. Galatians 6:9-10

It would be rude of me to tell you how Christ changed my life and leave you hanging. I would be lying if I finished my story there. That was just the beginning of the changes He began in me.

I had to confront my fears next. The only way I knew how to get out of the lifestyle I was living was to just stop. Stop going out, stop drinking, basically I had to start over. [I know you are probably thinking: “Yeah well you just don’t understand how far into it I am.” Well let me just say, if you keep that mindset you will never allow yourself change. That thought process is a lie straight from Satan. Soap box over] This was the hardest part of the story. I looked like a bad friend. I seemed like a stickler for staying home on the weekends, but that is what I had to do. I had to go “monk-mode”. I don’t recommend that for anybody. It was hard without community around except my family, but I had no friends that I knew I could go to and trust their influence. In the past, I blocked out anybody and everybody that tried to help me or pour into me. Now, here I was crawling back to the very people who I pushed away. Humbling, to say the least. This was about a six-month process. I never built up a huge crowd of friends, but that was because I rather quality over quantity. I’ve always had a solid group of about five friends that I was able to trust.

No temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man. God is faithful, and he will not let you be tempted beyond your ability, but with the temptation he will also provide the way of escape, that you may be able to endure it. 1 Corinthians 10:13

Ukraine 2008, looking up inappropriate Russian. Like I said, I had a lot of maturing to do:)

I began to journal about the emotions I was feeling.  I can recall thinking about issues in a new way. As if God allowed me to somewhat see things the way He sees them. It was bizarre. The first year after accepting Christ was truly a huge wake up call. I went to Ukraine that summer and became hooked on serving Him through oversea missions. It was the first time I experienced God as an international God.

I remember standing in the auditorium hearing the Ukraine kids worship along with the American team singing in English and I only heard one sound. He blew my mind. God taught me my first major lesson there. He is not just an American God; He is international. America is just a speck on the huge map of His galaxy.

Ya know the part of Aladdin when Aladdin and Jasmine are riding on the carpet and they both begin to sing “A whole new world, a dazzling place I never knew…”? That’s the only way I can describe my life after becoming a Christian. I realized that  I have so much more to live for. I didn’t feel the pressure of having to get drunk or act crazy to seem fun. I was just myself. Still silly, rambunctious, and at times crazy, but it was different this time around. He stamped my heart with His  love and acceptance. I didn’t care about impressing the people I was around. Impressing Him was the only thing I worried about, which was easy considering His love is unconditional.

Fall of my Junior year with my best fwend

After my 10^th grade year, I started to have doubts. They were out of the blue. I started debating on whether or not I made the right choice. I began thinking back on past weekends and events, reliving them over and over again in my mind. Sometimes envying my former friends. I wanted to be the center of attention again. I didn’t want to stay at home and I certainly didn’t want to run this race anymore.

I began to stray spiritually. Don’t misunderstand me when I say that. I was still doing the right things. I wasn’t drinking or smoking. I wasn’t going out. I wasn’t doing the “bad” things, but I certainly wasn’t doing the “good” things. I just existed. I stopped praying because I was angry with God. I couldn’t understand why I had such a fire in the beginning and then all the sudden felt washed out and just blah.

I wanted be awakened again. I desired to be full with Him. My prayer was answered, sooner than expected.

my story, pt 4

{Disclaimer: No disclaimer needed:) }

For you have rescued me from death; you have kept my feet from slipping. So now I can walk in your presence, O God, in your life-giving light. -Psalm 56:13

I started my sophomore year knowing a change had to happen soon. I was offered the opportunity to go overseas to Ukraine for a mission trip. I wanted to go without a doubt. I love to travel and I love experiencing new culture, so I knew this trip was mine! The only thing stopping me was a simple question. How am I supposed to witness to Ukrainian kids when I am not a Christian myself? How could I show them the love of Christ when I hadn’t even accepted it yet?

I signed up anyway. God was still chasing me though. Even though I ignored the question He placed in my heart, I was still confronted by the contract team members had to sign. This contract was there to uphold us so that we were the living the best life to enable the best trip. It had rules like no drinking, no smoking, no promiscuous behavior, etc. You get the idea. You also understand that I had to lie. There was no way I was missing the trip, and at that moment there was no way I was getting out of my lifestyle. It was just too hard and my life would be easier once I got older. That was my thought process.

I would be lying if I told you that once I put my name down on that contract I felt guilt free. I was under so much conviction I didn’t know what to do with it. I learned a huge lesson at that point. Don’t make a promise to God I plan on breaking. Not. Good.

The partying continued to escalate until finally in March I hit my bottom. I was beyond drained and so over it all. I attended a friend’s wedding and the more I drank the worse I felt. I kept diving into it just to block out the conviction I was feeling. I woke up the next morning and went to church. That’s right, it was a Sunday. Nothing spectacular happened that day. At least not in my life.

While I was at church, a close friend of mine was attending a women’s retreat. She was praying for God to speak to her. She was expecting something about her, but she was terribly wrong.

Monday morning rolled around. I was sitting in Civics and Free enterprise thinking back on the weekend. She sat directly behind me. I turned around and started chatting with her. Once I finished, she began telling me about her weekend.

This is how the conversation (kind-of, not word for word. It was 5 years ago people!) went:

Girl: I was at a women’s retreat last night and I was praying a lot.

Me: okay..

Girl: I asked God to send me a message

Me: okay..

Girl: Don’t get offended, but he told me to tell you something

Me: (uh oh) okay…what?

Girl: He told me to tell you to get off the fence. Quit living for the world and for Him. Choose one.

Me: Oh my…(breakdown)

That’s right I had a major breakdown. I started sobbing. She didn’t understand what she had just told me and how much it greatly affected my life. You guys my heart was hard. I wasn’t in communication with God and hadn’t felt Him since I was a child.  I felt like I had wasted my chances and that I was a lost cause. But when she told me what God told her, I felt like it was direct communication with Him. Actually the way I like to put it is it was a slap in the face from God. A wake up call to put it nicely. But I didn’t deserve nice I deserved a slap.

You have had enough in the past of the evil things that godless people enjoy—their immorality and lust, their feasting and drunkenness and wild parties, and their terrible worship of idols. Of course, your former friends are surprised when you no longer plunge into the flood of wild and destructive things they do. So they slander you. But remember that they will have to face God, who will judge everyone, both the living and the dead. -1 Peter 4:3-5

{She showed me the verse above. Perfect, right?}

My walls crumbled. I felt like I could breath and all burdens lifted. I felt a fire run through my soul. I could feel for the first time a new life blossoming in me. At that moment I gave my heart back to God. I had the head knowledge. I was aware that Christ died for my sins. I was aware that He rose from the grave. The only problem was my heart never connected with that. I chose selfishness over selflessness. I wanted praise rather than sending my praise to the One who deserved it. I finally did it. I let go of the “how to I change my life” excuse and trusted Him to do it. That’s what he wanted from the beginning. My life with all it’s baggage and shame.

Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come. -2 Corinthians 5:17

Sweet ending right? Well it’s not over yet..it’s only just beginning.

my story, pt 3

{Disclaimer: the light is coming soon. don’t you worry. the story is about to get real good.}

Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a huge crowd of witnesses to the life of faith, let us strip off every weight that slows us down, especially the sin that so easily trips us up. And let us run with endurance the race God has set before us. Hebrews 12:1

On the outside, I was living up the life I thought I was supposed to be living. Going out, having older friends, and remembering nothing from the night before- it all seemed fun. I remember it seeming like there was no way things could be better. It wasn’t until I was in my bed trying to fall asleep that guilt would hit me. I started thinking what am I doing? What life am I truly living. How many of these “friends” would actually be there for me in years down the road. I had screwed up my relationship with my parents so much that they are all I had. Remember earlier in the story, I revealed that I was a terrible liar? Right, well it continued to get worse. I would make stories of spending the night at a friends for a movie and popcorn but instead we were going out and having the time of our lives.

There was one night where all I wanted to do was leave my house. We had plans to go out to a local bar and I couldn’t miss it. I begged my parents to let me leave and JUST go spend the night somewhere. My dad wasn’t having it. He could read right through me. So I was persistent. I continued to whine and beg. I probably even cried and made up some sob story of how horrible he was making my life. Out of frustration he eventually allowed me to go. I look back and realized it was not by his doing, but I believe it was by God’s. My dad knew I wasn’t up to good and he wanted to do what every father wants to do, keep his baby girl safe. He wanted me at the house so that he could be assured that I was okay. I believe God allowed him to let me go so that I could continue to realize how miserable I was. It’s silly to think about it that way, but I am a firm believer in instances happening for a reason.

I was in dark place. I felt like I was so far gone that there was no point to even try to crawl out of the hole I put myself in. Let me back up a little and give you some background information to what was going on outside of my party life fantasy.

This time frame is around my freshman year. If my math is correct, I was 14 turning 15. I was going to school and keeping my lifestyle private. No person knew about it except the people that I was involved in it with. I was still going to church and honestly loving it. I felt unbelievable amounts of freedom and love there. I can’t describe the freedom I felt. I didn’t have to live up to a fascade I made for myself. It wasn’t the people in the youth group or the youth workers that enabled me to feel loved, rather it was God himself. I know for a fact that he brought me there to show me what I was missing. I was broken and didn’t know the first steps of how to get fixed.

But God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us. Romans 5:8

I felt like there were two people inside of me. One side loved the attention I got while going out, drinking, and acting crazy. The other side was torn and convicted. It was a constant tug of war with my soul. I knew I needed to make a serious change, but I didn’t know how to change my entire group of friends, adjust my life plans and weekend goals, and basically clean out my mind and heart. Little did I know, things were going to drastically change soon.

my story, pt 2

{Disclaimer: it’s starting to get real. I’m trying not to be vague with my testimony. I want you guys to get the as much of the full story as possible just so you can see how much God has changed me.}

I can’t remember the exact age, but I know it was between beginning 5th grade or 5th grade summer. That was the first time I had alcohol and the first time I smoked a cigarette.  I didn’t think anything of it. I was with older cousins and saw them do it so I wanted to try it too. It wasn’t like I said to myself “I’m going to do this to rebel from my parents, this would be a fun lifestyle.” I did it simply out of curiosity. After that weekend was over, I went home and didn’t really think about it again for a while. The next time it came up was at church camp my 7^th grade summer. I talked to a mentor about it and sort of confessed it. I hadn’t realized it was wrong until then. A lot of positive things happened at that camp, but Satan was on the prowl. He was not having me move forward without obstacles to snag me back.

At that camp, I met new friends who happened to live close to me. After camp was over, I was constantly at their houses. We were always getting into some kind of mischief. We slowly started drinking. It was at that point that I started a downward spiral over a three years span. We began to drink on the weekends. Then it went to hosting parties and attending parties. I was one of the youngest of them all so I thought it was cool to have the older crowd like me. I began seeking out satisfaction and affirmation with that crowd through drinking and just plain acting a fool. That’s the only way I can describe my behavior; foolish. For a while all that I was doing was drinking on the weekends. Then I started sneaking it at my house during the week. Just to be rebellious. Just to boast about how sneaky I was being. Idiotic huh? In 8^th grade, I branched from drinking into experiencing more foolish substances. I don’t need to elaborate, but I’m sure you have the idea. I was so interwoven in that crowd and lifestyle that I didn’t know what else to look toward. Well, except the weekends. I certainly always looked forward to the weekends.

Throughout this period in my life, I began to push my dad away. The arguing and fighting had turned from him and my brother to him and me. My brother had moved out and left me as the basically the only child. I had so much hate toward my dad because I was so close to my brother. I took my up for my brother so much and never knew why except that I loved him. I never gave my dad a second thought. I never tried to take a neutral side to the fights; I always sided with my brother. The fighting always ended with my dad and I yelling at each other and terrible words I still regret. I was a dramatic brat who had zero respect for the parents God provided for me. It was evident that I was not in the right place. I’m a terrible liar and always have been. I have never been able to hide a single thing, but at the time I thought I was the one playing them when in reality I was getting played.

And I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God’s love. Neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither our fears for today nor our worries about tomorrow—not even the powers of hell can separate us from God’s love.  No power in the sky above or in the earth below—indeed, nothing in all creation will ever be able to separate us from the love of God that is revealed in Christ Jesus our Lord. Romans 8:38-39

Issues between my group of friends happened a few backstabs here and there and next thing I know I’m moving onto another group of older friends. Same lifestyle, just a little more magnified. FYI, I was 15 at the time hanging around 18 to 19 year olds. People looked at me as more mature for my age because I was able to “hang” with what was going on. I was able to dress the part and act the part. Some of my craziest nights happened during this time. I look back and laugh upon some of the craziness that went on and sometimes I shiver with disgust at the situations I put myself in. I was running fast at this point. Running in the opposite direction of where I should have been and wasn’t planning on looking back.