my story, pt 4

{Disclaimer: No disclaimer needed:) }

For you have rescued me from death; you have kept my feet from slipping. So now I can walk in your presence, O God, in your life-giving light. -Psalm 56:13

I started my sophomore year knowing a change had to happen soon. I was offered the opportunity to go overseas to Ukraine for a mission trip. I wanted to go without a doubt. I love to travel and I love experiencing new culture, so I knew this trip was mine! The only thing stopping me was a simple question. How am I supposed to witness to Ukrainian kids when I am not a Christian myself? How could I show them the love of Christ when I hadn’t even accepted it yet?

I signed up anyway. God was still chasing me though. Even though I ignored the question He placed in my heart, I was still confronted by the contract team members had to sign. This contract was there to uphold us so that we were the living the best life to enable the best trip. It had rules like no drinking, no smoking, no promiscuous behavior, etc. You get the idea. You also understand that I had to lie. There was no way I was missing the trip, and at that moment there was no way I was getting out of my lifestyle. It was just too hard and my life would be easier once I got older. That was my thought process.

I would be lying if I told you that once I put my name down on that contract I felt guilt free. I was under so much conviction I didn’t know what to do with it. I learned a huge lesson at that point. Don’t make a promise to God I plan on breaking. Not. Good.

The partying continued to escalate until finally in March I hit my bottom. I was beyond drained and so over it all. I attended a friend’s wedding and the more I drank the worse I felt. I kept diving into it just to block out the conviction I was feeling. I woke up the next morning and went to church. That’s right, it was a Sunday. Nothing spectacular happened that day. At least not in my life.

While I was at church, a close friend of mine was attending a women’s retreat. She was praying for God to speak to her. She was expecting something about her, but she was terribly wrong.

Monday morning rolled around. I was sitting in Civics and Free enterprise thinking back on the weekend. She sat directly behind me. I turned around and started chatting with her. Once I finished, she began telling me about her weekend.

This is how the conversation (kind-of, not word for word. It was 5 years ago people!) went:

Girl: I was at a women’s retreat last night and I was praying a lot.

Me: okay..

Girl: I asked God to send me a message

Me: okay..

Girl: Don’t get offended, but he told me to tell you something

Me: (uh oh) okay…what?

Girl: He told me to tell you to get off the fence. Quit living for the world and for Him. Choose one.

Me: Oh my…(breakdown)

That’s right I had a major breakdown. I started sobbing. She didn’t understand what she had just told me and how much it greatly affected my life. You guys my heart was hard. I wasn’t in communication with God and hadn’t felt Him since I was a child.  I felt like I had wasted my chances and that I was a lost cause. But when she told me what God told her, I felt like it was direct communication with Him. Actually the way I like to put it is it was a slap in the face from God. A wake up call to put it nicely. But I didn’t deserve nice I deserved a slap.

You have had enough in the past of the evil things that godless people enjoy—their immorality and lust, their feasting and drunkenness and wild parties, and their terrible worship of idols. Of course, your former friends are surprised when you no longer plunge into the flood of wild and destructive things they do. So they slander you. But remember that they will have to face God, who will judge everyone, both the living and the dead. -1 Peter 4:3-5

{She showed me the verse above. Perfect, right?}

My walls crumbled. I felt like I could breath and all burdens lifted. I felt a fire run through my soul. I could feel for the first time a new life blossoming in me. At that moment I gave my heart back to God. I had the head knowledge. I was aware that Christ died for my sins. I was aware that He rose from the grave. The only problem was my heart never connected with that. I chose selfishness over selflessness. I wanted praise rather than sending my praise to the One who deserved it. I finally did it. I let go of the “how to I change my life” excuse and trusted Him to do it. That’s what he wanted from the beginning. My life with all it’s baggage and shame.

Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come. -2 Corinthians 5:17

Sweet ending right? Well it’s not over yet..it’s only just beginning.

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6 thoughts on “my story, pt 4

  1. Kristen, I am making a brochure for my little church for outreach purposes and I was wondering if it was possible to use the Sunlight Coming through the clouds image for it.

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