my story, pt 3

{Disclaimer: the light is coming soon. don’t you worry. the story is about to get real good.}

Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a huge crowd of witnesses to the life of faith, let us strip off every weight that slows us down, especially the sin that so easily trips us up. And let us run with endurance the race God has set before us. Hebrews 12:1

On the outside, I was living up the life I thought I was supposed to be living. Going out, having older friends, and remembering nothing from the night before- it all seemed fun. I remember it seeming like there was no way things could be better. It wasn’t until I was in my bed trying to fall asleep that guilt would hit me. I started thinking what am I doing? What life am I truly living. How many of these “friends” would actually be there for me in years down the road. I had screwed up my relationship with my parents so much that they are all I had. Remember earlier in the story, I revealed that I was a terrible liar? Right, well it continued to get worse. I would make stories of spending the night at a friends for a movie and popcorn but instead we were going out and having the time of our lives.

There was one night where all I wanted to do was leave my house. We had plans to go out to a local bar and I couldn’t miss it. I begged my parents to let me leave and JUST go spend the night somewhere. My dad wasn’t having it. He could read right through me. So I was persistent. I continued to whine and beg. I probably even cried and made up some sob story of how horrible he was making my life. Out of frustration he eventually allowed me to go. I look back and realized it was not by his doing, but I believe it was by God’s. My dad knew I wasn’t up to good and he wanted to do what every father wants to do, keep his baby girl safe. He wanted me at the house so that he could be assured that I was okay. I believe God allowed him to let me go so that I could continue to realize how miserable I was. It’s silly to think about it that way, but I am a firm believer in instances happening for a reason.

I was in dark place. I felt like I was so far gone that there was no point to even try to crawl out of the hole I put myself in. Let me back up a little and give you some background information to what was going on outside of my party life fantasy.

This time frame is around my freshman year. If my math is correct, I was 14 turning 15. I was going to school and keeping my lifestyle private. No person knew about it except the people that I was involved in it with. I was still going to church and honestly loving it. I felt unbelievable amounts of freedom and love there. I can’t describe the freedom I felt. I didn’t have to live up to a fascade I made for myself. It wasn’t the people in the youth group or the youth workers that enabled me to feel loved, rather it was God himself. I know for a fact that he brought me there to show me what I was missing. I was broken and didn’t know the first steps of how to get fixed.

But God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us. Romans 5:8

I felt like there were two people inside of me. One side loved the attention I got while going out, drinking, and acting crazy. The other side was torn and convicted. It was a constant tug of war with my soul. I knew I needed to make a serious change, but I didn’t know how to change my entire group of friends, adjust my life plans and weekend goals, and basically clean out my mind and heart. Little did I know, things were going to drastically change soon.

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