broken {text heavy}

I apologize for the slumber. Actually it couldn’t be further from a slumber over here. There is officially seven days left for ministry this week. We are trying to meet up with the friends we have made before we have to head back to the states. I get asked all the time if this trip has flown by. Well, I have two answers to that. I would say yes, looking back on the summer as a whole. I feel like we just got here and now we are forced to leave. I’d also say no because each day I feel God stretched out the time we have had here so far. It also seems that way because the sun rises at 5 a.m. and sets at 9 p.m., so it’s easy to think the day last forever.

Last week was really hard for me. I hit my breaking point Wednesday. It’s what I’d like to call “my wall”. We hadn’t had a day of rest for a week and a half due to schedule changes. I was feeling home sick and very anxious. Put all those together and you get a girl venting at her God. It was the first time in my Christian walk that I actually became mad at God. Don’t take me saying that as me boasting on my relationship with God. That’s not what I’m trying to say at all. I’ve always had a reason to hide from God if anything. When I would fall into my temptations I would hide. I was ashamed. I’ve never had a point in my life to be mad at God. I never understood how that could be. If anything, he should be mad at us for being such selfish beings.

I woke up that day dealing with body image issues. If you know anything about me, you know that this struggle is nothing new. It has gotten a lot better but every once in a while it will sneak back into my mind. Nothing fell right on my body. I was beyond frustrated. I haven’t been able to work out properly or control a lot of what I eat. It’s easy for me to get bombarded with image issues. This instance spurred on my anger at God. I’ve been praying for over a year that He would take away my negative feelings about myself. I pray for my eyes to be changed so that I can see the beauty that He sees in me. He has answered many of those prayers, but sometimes I fall into the lies that my flesh feeds me.

Along with being angry about my image, I became angry that God hasn’t shown me the fruit i’ve been praying for. I have been praying for miracles to happen. I have been praying for salvation among the students here. I realize now that it was me being selfish, but I honestly wanted it for his glory. He has the power to show the world his glory, why won’t he just do it? That was my mindset. That mindset turned to anger. I was bitter most of the day. I couldn’t even pray. When I tried to pray, I felt like I was forcing out these words that my heart wasn’t believing. The dramatic attitude change confused and frustrated me. I couldn’t understand how I let myself get so far from God in a matter of hours. I am not over-exaggerating when I say I had run miles away from him in an hours time.

I secluded myself most of the day to try and duke it out with God. I tried reasoning with Him. I told him I was mad at Him, there was no hiding that fact. I told Him I loved Him but that I wanted a break. How silly right? I was a complete wreck already, then I have the audacity to say I need a break from my life source.

The next morning I was trying to have a quiet time and was having zero success with it. I felt like I was just turning pages without any structure. I pulled up a podcast by Mark Driscoll. Honestly, I don’t remember much from it except one verse he skimmed over. When I looked up the verse, God immediately opened my eyes to what I had been doing.

They exchanged the truth about God for a lie, and worshiped and served created things rather than the Creator—who is forever praised. Amen. -Romans 1:25

I was putting my body above the love that God has for me. The moment I read that verse, I was taken completely back. I just broke on the inside. I felt like a veil had been removed from my face completely. That is one of the best feelings ever. I physically felt God engulf me again. Once I gave up my pride, He accepted me back once again. I thank Him everyday for being constant. He doesn’t waver or shy away from the love He has waiting for us.

How lovely is your dwelling place, O LORD Almighty! -Psalm 84:1

I just finished reading Redeeming Love and Heaven is For Real. Both are excellent books. RL completely changed my mind set on the love that God has for me. It’s beautifully written and expressed. It’s the first Christian novel I have ever read, and I was blown away at how great it actually was. I read HIFR in a days time. It really opened my eyes to the faith that God wants me to have; faith like a child.

Then he said, “I tell you the truth, unless you turn from your sins and become like little children, you will never get into the Kingdom of Heaven. -Matthew 18:3

Thank you for all the prayers and encouragement. Pray that our last week is successful and glorying to God.

{painted by Andrew, Kristen, and Me}



6 thoughts on “broken {text heavy}

  1. love when friends send me to sweet blogs and i instantly am drawn…for yours, its for many and i really enjoy this post because you’re exploiting a feeling thats difficult to put “out there.” thanks for sharing your boldness in that and God knew you would walk in that which is a crazy factor! it might sound cliche, but we must RUN to Him in everything! He is faithful, never wavering!

  2. Pingback: my story, finale | the lazy afternoon

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