Challenged daily {Agape V}

“Make your own money when you grow up!” “Don’t rely on someone for support!” “Be a working woman.” “Remain independent” “Be a leader!”

I’ve heard these commands my whole life. Honestly, I don’t see anything wrong with them, until that very thin line gets crossed. The line that separates working hard, having things in order and being completely self-reliant with very little faith in my Creator’s plan for my future. Since I’ve been raised by a dad who started his business from the ground up and a mom who worked hard and began taking care of her family before her pre-teen years, I’ve been molded to think, work, and survive independently. They meant the best by all of it of course and I’m sure that their goal was not for me to become a person with control issues..but that’s the way it has turned out.

Hear my cry, O God; listen to my prayer. From the ends of the earth I call to you, I call as my heart grows faint; lead me to the rock that is higher than I. For you have been my refuge, a strong tower against the foe. I long to dwell in your tent forever and take refuge in the shelter of your wings. (Psalm 61:1-4)

So I am.. saying..I have control issues. I get completely thrown off track if I’m out of control in a situation. I am the type of person that either makes the plans or has to know the plans. Who, what, when, where and why are all questions I ask before anything I do. I can’t help it, I’m sorry. Daily, I give up that burden to Christ. Daily I confess that I have been holding on to way too many areas of my life. Why do I have so little faith in my God? What makes me think my little plan for my life is greater than the on my God has for me? Should I be reminded that my God created me..created this world..created everything in existence? You would think that would convince me, right? This stubborn head takes a lot more than that, apparently. It’s a daily battle between my flesh and my Spirit. Constantly remembering to breath when situations are out of my grasps. Regrouping myself when things seem to have gone wrong. In reality, it’s all in God’s hands. I know this. I’ve always known this. Everything happens for a reason. I am cooped up in my bedroom swollen like a greedy chipmunk on Mardi Gras break for a reason..Maybe to keep me out of trouble? Maybe to be shown how to be happy in crummy situations.

These control issues tie into many categories of life. Not only daily struggles like what I’m going to eat or who I am going to hang out with, but lifetime struggles such as relationships and my career. I’m pretty set that God wants me to be in the Art field. Whether it be a full-time photographer or Graphic Designer for some company, I’m not too worried about that. The relationship aspect is what I have my hands constricted around. Not just my future husband, but the best friends I have now. Every relationship can either bring you up or drag you down. If I don’t rely on God to determine which relationship I should keep, I could make some major mistakes and could cause some unnecessary trouble in my life. I have to first find my security in Christ and be completely sold out to Him before ANY sort of relationship will fit in my life. If I don’t have security in Christ first, i’m going to find myself constantly seeking that security from other relationships. For a relationship to work, the person must be an addition to my life not a necessity or a filler of my voids. The hole must be filled before I go looking for a superficial filler. God has filled all the holes i’ve allowed Him to so far. Notice I said the ones I allowed Him to. Now you are probably thinking “That seems a little rude, you say you’re a Christian but you haven’t given everything over to Him??” My answer is that is “no”. Yes, I am a Christian and yes, I am a human. It’s still a battle for me daily to admit that it’s a struggle to let go and allow God to work in me {remember those control issues I was mentioning??}. God is gracious and merciful. He understands where I am coming from and what exactly is going on in my mind.

God is doing great things in me and continues to work in me daily. He has given us the power of free will. Even though as this very second He can completely take over every single aspect of my life, he won’t unless I allow Him to. That’s a lesson He is teaching me. He is showing me that He wants what is best for me, even though my tunnel vision is not allowing me to see it the way He does. That’s where faith comes in.

My soul finds rest in God alone; my salvation comes from him. He alone is my rock and my salvation; he is my fortress, I will never be shaken. (Psalm 62:1-2)

I have been feeling overwhelmed and out of control lately. That is why I’m writing this post. I am confessing these struggles to you guys so you can either keep me accountable or simply pray for me. I have been busy with school and art. My portfolio {which determines if I get into the Graphic Design program} is due late April. I have complete faith that this is what God has for my life, but thinking about everything that it will determine is a bit overwhelming. I have to remember that the Creator of the world cares enough about my little life to hold me in His hands. Breathe..breathe..breeaatheee


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